Stop Waiting for Your Husband to Make You Feel Better After Sexual Betrayal

Article #17

After sexual betrayal, it is completely understandable to look toward your husband for relief from the pain he caused.

Everything in you wants him to understand, to feel…to get…the depth of pain he has caused you. You may even have vengeful thoughts; you really…REALLY…want him to feel your pain. Sometimes it feels like you can’t go on, or heal, until he has a deep, true, empathetic understanding of your pain and can express it well—with sincerity, compassion, deep remorse, and visible, tangible sorrow that you FEEL to your core. You think if only you had THIS, then your heart could start to heal.

You want him to respond differently when you are triggered. You want him to say the right thing without being told. You want him to read the book, go to counseling, answer your questions, show empathy, stop becoming defensive, take responsibility, and demonstrate that he is becoming a safer man. You want him to not only anticipate your needs for intimacy, but to crave that intimacy with you himself.

Underneath all of that, you may not realize that you are holding onto the belief:

If I can just get him to understand what I need, maybe I will finally feel better.

So you explain.

And explain again.

You send him the article. You highlight the paragraph. You tell him what your counselor said. You describe exactly how you wish he had responded. You give him another book. You give him a list of counselors’ numbers. You explain why his apology didn’t feel sincere. You tell him what rebuilding trust should look like. You explain your longings. You point out the work he still isn’t doing. You may safeguard his devices and police his free time.
You may even find yourself creating a full recovery plan for him, with a complete list of your needs poured out so he has it right there—no excuses, no forgetting.

Because surely, if he could understand, something would finally change.

But eventually, you may need to face a difficult truth:

You cannot heal yourself by teaching your husband how to heal you.

And continuing to try may actually be keeping you more emotionally attached to his choices than you realize.

Another thing (and this has been a hard lesson for me):

By doing all these things…you may actually be delaying your own healing—

and his—

and prolonging and even increasing your suffering.

Please read that again. I will explain more later.

The Never-Ending “If Only”

After betrayal, it is easy to build your emotional life around a long list of if onlys.

If only he would understand how badly this hurt me.

If only he would show more empathy.

If only he would stop getting defensive.

If only he would initiate the conversations.

If only he would do the recovery work without me having to remind him.

If only he would reassure me the right way.

If only he would finally become the husband I need him to be.

Then maybe I could… relax… feel safe… trust him… be okay.

Some of those things may absolutely need to happen for your marriage to become healthy. His choices matter. His character matters—his willingness to change matters.

You do not need to lower your standards, pretend harmful behavior doesn’t matter, or convince yourself that trust can exist without evidence.

But there is an important difference between watching what your husband chooses to do and trying to make him choose it. One gives you information… the other can consume your life.

His Work Is His

This may be one of the hardest things to accept after betrayal. (And that’s not a figure of speech. I mean it. This is hard to accept—and even harder to allow.)

Your husband’s recovery belongs to him.

You can tell him what you need. You can establish boundaries. You can be honest about what is hurting you. You can decide what you are and are not willing to live with. How to Know If You Can Trust Your Husband Again

But you cannot make him become a man of integrity.

You cannot talk him into empathy.

You cannot coach or guilt him into maturity.

You cannot push him into genuine repentance.

And you cannot manage, police, coach, manipulate, pressure, shame, nag, or sweet-talk him into becoming trustworthy.

In fact, if you have to continually direct his recovery, how will you ever know what he would have chosen without you directing it? This is part of what I encountered with my husband. I was so relentlessly “in his ear” that I maxed out his “learning/growth capacity.” He had no emotional room or time for more work; all he could do was try to listen to me and respond enough to get by day after day. I was all he could handle! Consoling and pacifying me was all he could handle, so I was soaking up the spare time and mental and spiritual capacity that he should have been using to heal.

On top of that, I was bombarding him with all my enormous pain, anger, and confusion so relentlessly (because I wasn’t doing enough of my own healing work elsewhere) that I was adding to the shame already consuming him. I was reminding him daily that he was not enough, likely could never be enough, and that he was failing me miserably.

I want to be very clear here: I did not cause his addiction, his betrayal, or the shame that belonged to him from his own choices. Those were his responsibility, and a consequence of his actions.  But I eventually had to recognize that the dynamic I was helping create wasn’t helping either one of us heal. My constant focus on his failures added even more shame to an already shame-saturated situation—and shame can make genuine recovery and change even harder.

I don’t know if you can take all that in right now, but that’s important. If you can spend some time later considering just that last paragraph…it can be powerful. I wish I had seen it sooner.

During that season of my life, I wasn’t only trying to fix him and fix our marriage…I was also avoiding my own healing work. Why? Because it’s hard. It’s embarrassing. It’s exhausting. It’s expensive. It takes a lot of time and energy…none of which I had much of.

By focusing on him, I was staying in denial and victimhood and making excuses. Instead of taking the action I needed to take for myself, I took actions that kept us both stuck longer in shame, pain, arguing, and discouragement.

A shift away from this state has to happen at some point. Sadly, for a lot of women, and for me, it doesn’t happen until we are desperate. When you are finally “at the end of yourself” and decide you MUST get outside help, it is often only then that you begin to change direction. Getting outside help allows you to take off your blinders and begin seeing a broader perspective. We need other people’s perspectives when we are stuck.

Start Observing Him

Part of learning whether you can trust your husband again is observing him.

I am NOT talking about becoming a detective and following him…spying on him or interrogating him.

That is awful for you. It is so stressful and exhausting; it wrecks you…doesn’t help you.

I’m talking about taking a step back, avoiding engagement, and just observing:

What does he do when no one reminds him?

What does he pursue because he believes it matters?

Does he seek help?

Does he become curious about your pain?

Does he take responsibility when it would be easier to defend himself?

Does he tell the truth when the truth costs him something?

Does he work on the parts of himself that allowed betrayal, deception, entitlement, secrecy, or sexual sin to grow?

Does he continue doing the work after the crisis has passed?

Those answers are valuable, and you can’t see them clearly if you are constantly standing beside him telling him what to do next.

Sometimes you need to get out of the way and let him show you who he is choosing to become.

Stop Doing His Work for Him

This can feel terrifying. It feels counterintuitive; everything in you may be telling you that you must manage, oversee, and control as much as you possibly can. Your brain and nervous system seem to shout to you that surely then (you think) you will be safer…because OF COURSE…you will protect yourself and make better choices now that you know the risks.

If you get him into the right counseling, give him the right information, teach him the right response, keep him away from that place or that woman, explain your pain clearly enough, or convince him to take the right next step, then maybe you can influence the outcome.

But things have shifted. Your marriage and relationship have changed, and now you have to take charge of these wrong thoughts that aren’t serving you well right now.

After betrayal has made your life feel terribly out of control, that can be hard to give up. It feels like all you have to hold onto!

But trying to manage his growth doesn’t actually make you safer. It makes you responsible for two people. You are carrying your pain and his recovery. You are trying to heal your own heart and calm your nervous system while monitoring him. You are trying to figure out what you need while simultaneously figuring out what he needs to do next.

No wonder you are exhausted.

Put his work back where it belongs.

With him.

That doesn’t mean becoming cold or refusing to communicate. It doesn’t mean not answering a question or sharing something meaningful with him. Marriage isn’t about living completely separate emotional lives.

It means recognizing when sharing has turned into managing.

When explaining has turned into convincing.

When asking has turned into grasping.

When helping has turned into carrying.

You are allowed to stop.

You need to stop.

For his sake and yours.

What Happens If He Doesn’t Do the Work?

This may be the question underneath everything.

But what if I stop pushing him and he does nothing?

Hard, truthful answer:

Then you will know something you need to know.

That may hurt. It may be deeply disappointing. It may eventually require difficult decisions or stronger boundaries. But his unwillingness to do his own work is not something you can fix by working harder. You cannot make it happen—no matter how much you want to, no matter how good and right it would be for him…and no matter how much he may want you to do it for him.

He has to do his work.

YOU have to do your work.

If the only reason your husband appears to be pursuing recovery is that you continually remind, encourage, explain, plead, research, schedule, monitor, and direct him, you don’t actually know whether he has chosen recovery. And you need to know.

This is part of how he will rebuild your trust. If you manage to push him into recovery, you won’t fully trust it. You need to know that he chose healing and repentance for himself. This is his opportunity to change and to show you—over time—who he is becoming.

Let him show you.

Not because you are testing him.

But because you are no longer willing to do his part for him.

HE. MUST. DO. IT.

Your Healing Cannot Depend on His Next Move.

This is where your work begins.

Instead of waking up emotionally oriented toward him—

How is he doing?

What is he doing?

What is he looking at/reading?

Does he understand yet?

Is he changing?

Did he respond correctly?

Why hasn’t he done that thing I told him I needed?

Does this mean I can’t trust him?

—begin turning some of that attention back toward yourself.

What do I need today?

What helps my body feel calmer?

What am I learning about myself?

Where do I need support?

What am I afraid of?

How can I guard my thoughts?

What boundaries would help me feel safer?

What brings me peace even when he isn’t doing well?

What parts of my life have I neglected while focusing on him?

What would becoming stronger and healthier look like for me—today?

This isn’t selfish. You aren’t being self-absorbed.

This is healing.

Your husband may have created the wound, but he cannot be your only source of comfort from it.

And he cannot become the person upon whom your emotional stability depends. He has already shown you that he has not been in a good place to make healthy, loving choices that are good for both of you—he is not, at least right now, fully dependable or trustworthy. He has turned your world and your sense of security upside down. So don’t expect this same person to suddenly have all the skills, love, wisdom, and ability needed to function like your savior.

Don’t make him an idol in your life.

It sounds crazy I know, but when things get hard after betrayals, it is a prime time when we allow this to happen. We think about them constantly, base our choices around them and what they may think or on how they will react, we worry about them, cater to them, manage them, etc. Without realizing it, we often “let them” take over our mental, physical, emotional and spiritual well being. Our life can even become smaller as we let their choices rule our time and choices; we diminish who we are, and we forget who God is.

Let God be your God, and let your flawed husband seek his own repentance and healing before God. Let yourself shine again. Let yourself be who God created you to be. I don’t say this to pressure you…but to free you…to encourage you to give yourself permission to be you again. Shake off the betrayal and concerns of your husband every chance you get…and LIVE.

Right now, you need to learn how to rest in the arms of Jesus. HE wants to comfort you and guide you. Let Him be your light in the dark valley you are walking through. He is the One who never changes, who always loves you, and whom you can trust with your future. It is time, perhaps more than ever before in your life, to learn how to take your eyes off of him and put them on HIM. It is time to believe God’s promises, and know what you believe in.

You Need to Know That You Will Be Okay

One of the most powerful things you can begin rebuilding after betrayal isn’t trust in your husband.

It is trust in yourself. Learn about Triggers here

You need to believe:

I can recognize when something isn’t right.

I can listen to my instincts.

I can ask questions.

I can set boundaries.

I can tolerate someone being disappointed or upset with my boundaries.

I can seek wise counsel.

I can lean on others.

I can make difficult decisions if I need to.

I don’t have to know today what I will choose six months from now.

I can survive painful truth.

I can build a meaningful life even when someone else makes choices I wish they wouldn’t.

That kind of confidence changes you. The pulling back and observing I mentioned earlier make a difference here, too. As you begin calming that problem-solving, hypervigilant, danger-mode thinking, you can start observing—not only him, but your own thoughts, needs, desires, delights, beliefs, priorities, and longings.

You start remembering who you are and who you want to be.

You start breathing again.

You stop desperately needing reassurance that nothing bad will ever happen again.

Because the truth is, no one can promise you that.

Instead, you begin to develop confidence that if something painful happens, you will know how to care for yourself, seek the truth, get support, make wise decisions, and respond. You will find calm assurance and a deep peace in your soul when you believe, to the core of your being, that God is beside you and will guide you through whatever comes your way.

That is a very different kind of safety.

And it is much harder for someone else to take away from you.

This Can Actually Help You See Your Husband More Clearly

There is another surprising benefit to stepping out of responsibility for your husband’s healing:

You may finally be able to see him more accurately.

When you stop trying to pull him toward the man you hope he will become, you can observe the man standing in front of you.

Maybe he surprises you, takes ownership, and pursues healing without being prompted. He may even become so attentive that he begins recognizing patterns before you point them out.

He may become more honest, humble, empathetic, and consistent.

Perhaps over time you realize you are no longer dragging out his recovery. He is carrying his own weight.

How amazing would that be? Whether you ultimately stay with him or not…you can still want, and pray for this kind of healing for him.

It’s good to let yourself imagine this, because right now you need to choose to make space for this possibility. If deep in your heart…this is what you hope for him…then you need to pull back and let him do what he is going to do. If there is any chance of him getting true healing and experiencing real change, HE has to choose this.

But perhaps he doesn’t.

Perhaps stepping back to observe him and give him space and freedom to choose reveals avoidance, denial, blame, complacency, defensiveness, dishonesty, or an unwillingness to grow.

That information matters too. Boy does it!

Your job isn’t to manufacture the outcome you want, but to become healthy enough to see reality clearly—and wise enough to respond to what you see.

If he isn’t going to change—if he is not ready to repent, heal, and pursue genuine change; if he isn’t breaking his addiction or turning away from the behaviors and temptations that have harmed your marriage—you need to see it.

The sooner, the better.

You need to step back and give him this opportunity to choose.

Let Go of the Job You Were Never Meant to Have

You were never supposed to be your husband’s recovery program.

You were never supposed to be his counselor, accountability partner, spiritual director, teacher, detective, motivator, and emotional coach all rolled into one.

You are his wife.

And now, more than ever, you have your own healing to do. He may not see it, but you are loving him by taking care of yourself right now.

*If you recognize yourself here, it is time to loosen your grip.

• Stop sending every article.

• Stop explaining the same thing twelve different ways, imagining that if you say it right, he will finally have that “light bulb” moment.

• Stop trying to create the perfect argument, letter, or description that will finally make him understand.

• Stop measuring every day by whether he made you feel better or worse.

• Stop believing you have to get him healthy before you can feel well enough to begin becoming healthy yourself.

Let his choices belong to him.

And begin taking ownership of yours.

Get support. Learn about betrayal trauma. Pay attention to your body. Strengthen your boundaries. Reconnect with safe people. Rediscover things that bring you joy. Learn to tolerate uncomfortable emotions without immediately looking to him to make them disappear.

Pray. Grieve. Rest. Grow. Tell yourself the truth.

And little by little, begin building a life in which your ability to be okay is no longer completely dependent upon what your husband chooses to do next.

This doesn’t mean you don’t care about your marriage. It doesn’t mean you don’t want him to heal. And it certainly doesn’t mean his behavior no longer matters.

It means you are learning something incredibly important:

His work is his. Your work is yours.

Let him show you what he will do with his.

And pour your energy into yours.

Learn from my mistakes and the hard lessons I’ve learned (and, honestly, the temptations I still have to fight):

The goal isn’t to become a woman who never needs anyone, but rather to become a woman who knows she can love deeply without abandoning herself, hope without trying to control the outcome, and make wise decisions based on what is actually happening rather than desperately trying to make someone else change.

You don’t have to wait for your husband to make you feel better before you begin healing.

You can begin now.

And as you become healthier, stronger, and more confident in your own ability to face whatever comes next, you may discover something you desperately needed after betrayal:

With God’s help, you can trust yourself with your future.