Why Some Betrayals Take Longer to Heal Than Others

Have you ever wondered why you're still struggling with your betrayal healing when someone else you know seemed to move forward much more quickly? Or perhaps you got over a betrayal in your past faster than this one?

Somehow, something about this betrayal feels harder. You are experiencing it differently. Perhaps you even feel stuck.

So why is this happening?

It's easy to wonder why you can't seem to deal with this the way you have other difficult things in your life.

But healing doesn’t always work the same in every hardship. And it isn't determined simply by how much time has passed. It certainly isn’t determined by our intentions or willpower; there is more to it.

NOT ALL BETRAYALS ARE THE SAME

We sometimes talk about "betrayal" as though it describes one experience, but it doesn’t. A person’s “betrayal” may actually be a series of betrayals; it can even cover years' worth of betrayals, or years of confusing lies, discoveries, and disclosures. It may involve abuse, neglect, gaslighting…and more. It almost always involves lies, and everyone says…that is the hardest part to get over.

If you hear several women say something like, "I discovered my husband was looking at pornography," it can describe very different situations. Whenever people talk about their experiences—and even when you talk about what you've gone through yourself—it's common to “put on a good face.” We all do it. Even in healthy support circles, we tend to “paint with broad strokes” rather than a detail brush. I’m not saying that is wrong, often it is wise to do so, but nevertheless, it can present a different version of “the story.”

Most of the time, it's healthy to be wise about what we share and with whom. But when we aren't seeing everyone else's “dirty laundry,” it's easy to get the impression that we're the only ones dealing with certain things, that we aren't handling our circumstances as well as someone else, or that their betrayal wasn't that big of a deal compared to ours.

We can “get in our heads” about these comparisons—and end up feeling even worse.

The reality is, for one woman, the betrayal may have involved behavior that happened for a relatively short period of time. At the same time, for another, the discovery may uncover years or even decades of hidden behavior, repeated affairs, escalating sexual behavior, financial deception, secret accounts, or choices that affected her physical safety. You will likely never hear their full story— just as you may never share your full story.

Sometimes what you discover is deeply shocking or hard to understand. Fetishes, unexpected attractions, disturbing sexual interests, or behaviors that feel completely outside what you believed about your husband- and that can leave you trying to make sense of information that you never imagined you would have to process.

There can be a tremendous difference between discovering something painful and discovering something that causes you to question almost everything you thought you knew about the person you married.

Both hurt tremendously; we are in no way minimizing any woman’s pain.

But they may not take the same amount of time to process.

OFTEN  THE DECEPTION IS AS DIFFICULT TO PROCESS AS THE BEHAVIOR

Betrayal isn't always one secret…sometimes it's years of lies.

There may have been denial, minimization, deleted messages, hidden accounts, explanations that didn't add up, blame-shifting, or repeated assurances that nothing was happening for years before you found out.

• Maybe you asked questions and were told you were imagining things.

• Maybe you believed explanations that you later discovered weren't true.

When that happens, you're not only trying to process what your husband did; you're also trying to understand what was real…not just related to sex…but just to feel safe in your relationship, your home, or in trusting yourself.

• What else wasn't true?

• When did this actually begin?

• Was that memory what I thought it was?

• Can I trust what I'm being told now?

• Do I even have discernment? Is my intuition broken?

Rebuilding your understanding of your own life can take time. Understandably, you have to question and process all of this. On top of simply “understanding”—or at least unraveling—what happened, you're trying to wrap your head around what you may need to do next, how to prevent it from happening again, and then find the courage to take the appropriate action steps.

And you're trying to do all of that while it feels like your world—and maybe all of you: your body, soul, mind, and even your spirit—is crumbling. You may literally feel shattered inside.

ONE DISCOVERY CAN BE VERY DIFFERENT FROM MANY

Some women experience one major discovery and are eventually given enough truth to begin processing what happened.

Others experience discovery after discovery, with no full disclosure of all the facts.

This trickle effect is excruciating. It can be traumatizing. I know because I experienced it myself. Repeated betrayal and disclosure can lead to significant post-traumatic stress symptoms, and for some women, even PTSD.

You learn one thing.

Then another.

Then something else six months later.

Maybe:

• Your husband only admits what you already know, or after you discovered something—again.

• Important information comes out slowly.

• Maybe you begin to regain your footing only to discover that something else was hidden.

It's difficult for a wound to heal when it keeps being reopened. The apologies and explanations start to feel like Band-Aids on a gushing wound that needs surgery…they aren’t enough…sometimes they even add to your pain because you aren’t sure if you can trust them.

If your healing has taken longer because you've had repeated discoveries, that can add to your pain and prolong your healing, but it doesn't necessarily mean you've been standing still.

You may have had to begin processing new information again and again. This staggered disclosure keeps you in a place of processing and reprocessing the same information over and over when new info comes up. It is understandable that this wears you out, confuses you, and can even cause real trauma. I experienced this. When it goes on for years, it can eventually cause you to close off to life, joy, and caring, and it can make you resentful, angry, and chronically disappointed in your relationship. “Jaded,” if you will. If you are going through this…know that this kind of betrayal can impact you profoundly in ways that may be hard to understand and work through; it has a different impact and takes a different amount of time to heal.

WHAT HAPPENS AFTER DISCOVERY MATTERS

Two women could discover very similar betrayals and have very different healing experiences afterward too. This can happen for many different reasons.

One husband may take responsibility, become honest, seek help, answer difficult questions, respect boundaries, show empathy for the pain he's caused, and begin consistently doing the work necessary to become safer.

Another may deny, minimize, gaslight, become angry, continue hiding things, blame his wife, resist help, pressure her to "move on," or repeatedly break agreements.

Those are very different environments in which to heal.

It's much harder to regain a sense of safety when the things creating insecurity are still happening.

Sometimes a woman thinks she should be "further along," when the reality is that she's spent much of that time dealing with instability.

This can be hard to accept too. I know I went through anger, blaming my husband, grieving, forgiving (and more)  as I grieved the “wasted” time in my life due to this.

YOU MAY ALREADY HAVE BEEN CARRYING A LOT

We also have to consider what was happening in your life when betrayal entered it.

Maybe you were already exhausted? Or were you dealing with health problems, hormonal changes, chronic stress, anxiety, depression, grief, caregiving, parenting challenges, financial pressure, or another major life change? I had a car accident and went through some surgeries during part of my own betrayal and healing journey, and that definitely impacted my sleep, health…and my capacity in general. When you are in the middle of it, sometimes acknowledging the load you are under can help you show yourself some grace.

It is important to consider our capacity realistically; it isn’t unlimited.

Some seasons require more physical, emotional, and mental resources to cope with something difficult, and there are seasons when we're already running on empty…aside from the betrayal.

Betrayal landing in the middle of an already overwhelming season can feel very different from facing it when you have greater strength, stability, support, and emotional capacity.

It doesn't make you weak or a failure if you feel overwhelmed, or like you are floundering…or drowning.

It means you're human.

If you would like more understanding about why you are so exhausted from betrayal, this article may be helpful.

OUR PAST CAN COME WITH US

Sometimes betrayal also touches things that were there long before this relationship.

Not only wounds from previous relationships, but beliefs we've carried since childhood.

Maybe somewhere along the way you learned:

I'm not enough.

I’m too much.

People always leave.

My needs don't matter.

I have to keep everyone happy.

If something goes wrong, it must be my fault.

I can't trust anyone.

I have to hold everything together.

I’m ugly, fat, stupid, etc.

Fill in the blank.

Betrayals can trigger all our insecurities, all those lies we believed that may have been lying “dormant”.

Sometimes we don't even realize how deeply we believe these things until something painful “touches them.”

Experiences from childhood, past relationships, family dynamics, rejection, abandonment, loss, or other difficult seasons can shape how we understand ourselves and the world around us.

Betrayal may not have created every painful belief you're wrestling with—sometimes it simply found them.

Part of healing often involves recognizing what belongs to this betrayal—and what has been quietly influencing you for much longer. Getting to the root and learning how to change that belief is powerful. That is the work of tearing down strongholds and “renewing our minds.”  

YOUR CURRENT CIRCUMSTANCES MATTER TOO

Healing doesn't happen in a quiet little room separated from the rest of your life.

You may still have children to care for.

Bills to pay.

A job to do.

Decisions to make.

You still have hard days with challenges.

Your kids still need you.

Maybe you're worried about your financial future.

Maybe you're separated or facing divorce.

Maybe people you expected to support you don't understand.

Perhaps you are in a church that responded poorly.

You're trying to decide what you believe, and who you can trust or lean on, while simultaneously trying to function normally enough to get through the day. Betrayal impacts everything, all parts of your life. Every person’s life is full of very different circumstances.

One woman may have a strong support system, financial stability, access to good counseling or a support group, and a husband actively pursuing recovery, another may be facing most of this alone, while another is surrounded by people blaming her and criticizing everything she does.

Every person’s journey looks different in so many ways.

Be careful what you use as a measuring stick!

• Are you comparing your current self to your past self?

• Are you comparing yourself to someone you know went through betrayal and seemed to recover faster?

• Maybe you've read someone's story and wondered why you're still struggling when she seems so free.

But you probably don't know every detail of someone else's story. Keep that in mind. There may be circumstances in her life that made healing easier in some ways, while there may be parts of your story that have made healing especially difficult. You simply don't know the whole story.

Instead of asking:

"Why is this taking me so long?"

Maybe a better question is:

"What am I actually carrying?"

No matter who you are, and no matter what your life looks like, you only have so much capacity, and sometimes your daily responsibilities use up most of it. As you go through your week, if you are struggling with sleep or other things that drain your energy and limit your capacity, it's important to notice that. It is important to show yourself grace.

Also consider…what fills you back up? If you can find healthy support, it can increase your capacity and help you get through the week better.

GIVE YOURSELF TIME, BUT DON'T STOP MOVING FORWARD

I think this distinction matters: giving yourself grace that it takes time doesn't mean deciding nothing can change, or that you have to accept enduring hardship forever—staying stuck in unhealthy patterns.

Sometimes we do get stuck.

We can become caught in patterns of thinking or responding that keep us circling the same painful places. We may need someone to help us see something differently, learn new tools, challenge an old belief, establish a boundary, care for our bodies, or take a step we've been afraid to take.

Healing isn't a race, but healthy growth does require movement.

Even if the steps are tiny.

Sometimes you may not recognize them until you look back and realize something that once consumed every hour now takes up only part of your day. I encourage women to assess their progress at the same time each week. I personally like Friday mornings, because that gives me a little time to process before the weekend…both to encourage myself that movement is happening, but it also gives me a little time before the weekend to process, grieve, pray, and get my focus shifted so I’m better prepared to be who I want to be for the weekend.

Consider good things worth noting, such as:

A trigger doesn't last quite as long.

You recognized an unhealthy pattern sooner.

You said no when you once would have said yes.

You stopped accepting responsibility for something that isn't yours.

You asked for help, or called someone for support.

You trusted your own judgment again.

You stuck to a good boundary better.

Sometimes these things seem small, but they matter. And often, we think we will remember, but then on a hard day with triggers that bring back all the pain and memories, we forget and feel like no progress has happened. That is often how it feels when we get triggered. So regular times of reviewing things can be helpful to keep us encouraged.

GOD ISN'T MEASURING YOUR HEALING AGAINST SOMEONE ELSE'S

"He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds."
—Psalm 147:3

I love the picture this verse paints.

Wounds are cared for; they are bound up…not just a band-aid over gushing blood.

Different wounds require different care.

If your healing has taken longer than you thought it would, don't immediately assume you're doing something wrong!

Instead, take an honest look at…consider:

• What you've experienced.

• What happened after discovery.

• What else you've been carrying.

• Your realistic capacity—right now.

• Look at the beliefs and wounds from the past that may be tangled up with your thoughts right now.

And then, instead of asking yourself why you aren't "over it" yet, consider asking:

What do I need right now, today, to continue moving toward healing?

You don't have to heal according to someone else's timeline—you simply need to keep taking the next healthy step on your own.

*If you could use support as you work through betrayal, you can learn more about the free gatherings, healing groups, and mentoring I offer here.