The Loneliness No One Talks About After Betrayal
You have experienced a deep relational wound, and wounds like this can feel incredibly isolating, but you are not alone. There really are women who understand. There are safe people who care, and there is hope for healing. One step at a time.One day at a time. One connection at a time.
Your confusion makes sense
When I first discovered my husband’s betrayal, I wasn’t thinking about the pain. You would think my first reactions would be tears and an angry outburst, but I was numb. I was spinning with questions and overwhelmed for a while.
What I didn’t expect was the loneliness. This was not the kind of loneliness that comes from being physically alone; it was internal; I felt isolated, even when I was surrounded by people. It was loneliness that settled deep into my soul when the person who was supposed to be my safest place suddenly became the source of my greatest pain.
Betrayal separates us from our husbands, from our friends, from our families, and sometimes even from ourselves. Even if people around you have an idea of what you are going through, they don’t share your pain, they don’t really understand what goes on inside you, and they don’t know how much you are grieving.
That’s a loneliness that few people talk about. It can grow and intensify too. We all need connection, and if you ignore this71
The Person You Need Most Is the One Who Hurt You
One of the most confusing parts of betrayal is that the one you would normally run to for comfort is the very person who caused the wound. When something terrible happens, we naturally turn toward our spouse for support and reassurance. They were the one that comforted us, and now we have lost that safe place. They can’t be our “rock” anymore…they have become our “earthquake”. Now, when we want “our person” to hold us and tell us everything is going to be okay, more than ever before, we have lost that.
Betrayal isn’t just about the affair or the circumstances; it’s not only sorting through all the lies to figure out if we have any truth to hold onto, but also losing the comfort of our friend, our main support. That is a unique and deep kind of loneliness.
What makes it harder is that the one person who should be helping you carry your pain is often the reason you’re carrying it in the first place.
On top of the irony and unfairness of this, it is common to find yourself longing for comfort from the very person you don’t trust. You may miss him while simultaneously feeling angry with him. You may crave connection while wanting to push him away. It sounds crazy.
But it makes sense…he was your safe person - and now he’s not. It is understandable that all this would feel so confusing and isolating on the inside. You’re not crazy. You’re human.
Keeping the Secret Can Feel Like a Prison
Many women don’t tell anyone about the betrayal.
Sometimes it’s because:
they’re embarrassed
They want to protect their husband.
They aren’t ready to answer the questions that will inevitably follow.
They simply don’t know who is safe.
They don’t know how to talk about it…not sure how to put their experience into words yet.
So they carry the burden alone. They smile at church, get by at work, attend family gatherings feeling anxious and uncomfortable, continue to volunteer, and show up for others. Meanwhile, their hearts are breaking inside, their nervous system is working overtime, and their bodies are tired and maxed out. I went through this…for years. The secret becomes heavier as time goes on. The isolation I described above grows as you become an expert at skirting conversations and diverting probing attention. This heaviness, pretending, putting on a good face, and isolation wear you out, and it is hard on your health and well-being.
When Friends Don’t Understand
Perhaps even when you do share your story, people don’t always respond well. You may have experienced getting treated badly. I have myself experienced negative responses from family and friends, and have heard how common this is from other women.
Reactions you may get to trying to open up about what you are going through:
Be treated as if you are a complainer or a bad wife for sharing private things.
Be told to leave, step down from a position, or quit immediately.
They get uncomfortable and don’t speak to you afterward.
Others will tell you to forgive and move on.
Family members may treat you coldly afterward or ignore you.
Some will minimize the betrayal…or you.
(This one really gets me…)
They will start treating the betrayer better, while treating you badly, as if you caused it or made things hard on him.
Others will make the situation about themselves.
I think many people genuinely care, but few understand the complex emotions that accompany betrayal trauma. They don’t even know or understand that betrayals can cause real trauma. Most people respond awkwardly, or badly, because they don’t know how to react or aren’t sure what is required of them. Or they may not be in a place in their life where they have the capacity to be there for you. Sometimes it brings up stuff in their life they want to avoid, and by empathizing, giving you validation, or being a safe place for you to talk, they worry they will have to open up and be vulnerable themself. Or perhaps they fear they will betray their friend, son, brother…or whomever…(the unfaithful partner) f they give you a safe shoulder to cry on. Overall…it is mostly inexperience, fear, and their own hang ups that cause it…not you.
It’s sad, and so unfortunate that you may walk away from conversations where you were finally trying to open up, feeling even more alone than before. That certainly doesn’t help your loneliness.
The Loneliness Inside Your Marriage
One of the deepest losses after betrayal is the loss of emotional safety within your marriage.
Even if your husband remains in the home with you, you’re sleeping in the same bed and having conversations…it is still common to feel profoundly alone.
The “unsteadiness” in your soul gives you a sense of instability.
The relationship you thought you had has been shaken.
The future you imagined feels uncertain.
The connection you once trusted no longer feels secure.
Other life circumstances and relationships may also have shifted.
You are still sorting out what was true from your past.
Your daily “norm” has now been forced into something new, unfamiliar, and uncomfortable.
Who you thought you were feels like it has changed. The validation and confidence you received in the relationship now feel gone or different, and may make you feel less sure of yourself.
All these losses deserve to be acknowledged. You are grieving a lot; you aren’t just grieving what happened-you’re grieving what you thought was true. You are grieving the safety that once made your life feel comfortable and predictable.
*It is important to note: Your husband (likely) doesn’t understand your pain and trauma either. Often we want this SO BAD, because we are craving for him to make us feel better…and we think his understanding will do it. But typically, your husband needs healing, counseling and the support of other men before he will begin the process of understanding more. Right now, his lack of understanding adds to your grief and loneliness.
You Are Not the Only One
This may be the most important thing I can tell you. You are not the only woman walking this road.
Right now, there are countless women sitting awake at night asking the same questions you’re asking. They are wondering and questioning:
Will I ever feel safe again?
Everything they thought they knew.
They are carrying grief, anger, confusion, and fear.
They feel alone and like no one understands.
Betrayal often whispers the lie that no one understands, but that simply isn’t true. Others have walked this road before you, others are walking it right now, and more will walk it after you. Why is this important to know? Because it means you don’t have to go through this alone.
Healing Happens in Connection
While betrayal often creates isolation, healing happens in connection. Not necessarily in a large group of people, nor with everyone knowing all of your story.
You need a group of safe people who are going through it too. These are people who listen without judgment and show true empathy. You need people who won’t pressure you or try to fix you, but rather who can just sit with your pain without rushing your healing.
You were never meant to carry this burden alone…and you don’t have to.
This is an important time to value yourself enough to seek out the safe support you need to heal. It may take a little searching to find the right group or counselor, but when you do, you will feel the connection, and it will take a weight off your shoulders.
Final Thoughts
If betrayal has left you feeling lonely, please know this:
Your loneliness makes sense.
Your grief makes sense.
You are not alone.
Betrayal Connections is just getting started, but I encourage you to start following the Facebook page and please reach out to me through the contact form. I would love to hear from you, and I will respond.
For further steps toward meaningful connection and healing…
Sign up for my one of my newsletters here: https://betrayalconnections.substack.com/p/start-here-your-free-betrayal-guide
And I encourage you to check out the terrific resources and various types of support here:
https://www.puredesire.org (This is the OR based ministry that helped my husband and I)
and
https://prodigalsinternational.org/counseling-coaching-overview/ (A WA based ministry I’m familiar with-great options, great people)
I have enjoyed many YouTube videos-I encourage you to explore betrayal related topics there if you haven’t-very helpful.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lBZsxk7Pb8c Here is one from Doug Weiss I think you may find helpful: