The Pain No One Sees
Sexual Betrayal can cause many feelings and emotions, among them, embarrassment, shame, and confusion. Considering this, it is not surprising if you shut down and become “mute”. You may be in shock, your brain may feel fuzzy; it is common to be confused about what is happening: so it’s hard to know what to feel, do, or what to say or think. It’s understandable that it’s hard to talk about this with anyone else. Our brains and nervous systems can react to betrayal in many ways that surprise people.
You may have experienced:
disbelief and denial
racing heart or panic
shaking and trembling
nausea
tunnel vision or feeling like it’s a dream/unreal
inability to think clearly
emotional numbness
crying uncontrollably
frozen “deer in headlights” feeling
desperate for answers/understanding
obsessive replaying of what was seen/heard
feeling scared/unsafe
inability to eat or sleep
dizziness
feeling disconnected from your body
This initial shock phase can last a while, it may come and go in waves-and it can be pretty intense. Depending on your circumstances, the “events” that shock your system can also last, even increase, such as with an ongoing affair, ongoing discoveries, or sexual addiction relapses. This upheaval, and all the shocks are extremely hard on your body; it sends your nervous system into survival mode, flooding the body with stress hormones. It is trauma. For a while afterward, many people live in an emotional “overdrive” state, shaken, exhausted, hyper-alert, unable to rest, all while the brain and body strive to regain a sense of safety. Your nervous system is essentially damaged, it get’s thrown “out of whack”. I will explain more.
Feeling unsafe leads us to function the best we know how, this is impulsively, subconsciously-like a default, which often falls back to our self-comforting modes or coping mechanisms, often formed in childhood, when we didn’t know what to do or who to turn to. Even if we have been betrayed or experienced shock and trauma before, while having some awareness may help our brains compute a little better, it doesn’t make it hurt less, and it doesn’t change the circumstances or affects. The shock of being betrayed by someone that was supposed to be safe is tough not matter what, and can bring up all our past fears and insecurities, no matter how tough, smart, strong or experienced we are. Sometimes our past experiences can even make it may feel even harder because we can latch onto the belief that no one is safe and that we can’t trust anyone, even more so. When we are in this place of not having the answers we want and feel wounded, it feels vulnerable, and that is very unsettling for anyone. It not only reminds us that danger is possible, but makes us hyper-aware that we didn’t prevent this or see it coming, so we function the best we can in a fractured and hypervigilant state.
On top of all that, we shut down because of shame and fear of judgment. We may feel shocked and appalled ourselves at what we have discovered, so - of course, we assume everyone else will be too. We imagine gossip and expect people to look down on us, or make hurtful comments, judgements and assumptions. Because we love our partners (even if we are immensely angry with them), we don’t want to destroy their lives with gossip and assumptions either. (Possibly for their sake, but for ours too.)
Even if we did tell people, what would we say? When we are in the state we are in, it’s very hard to even formulate our own thoughts; articulating what is going on to others is just too much to think about. Often in this place, our emotional energy goes into “saving face”, protecting relationships, and trying to keep things as calm and normal as possible while we are crashing inside.
The Impact of Hidden Pain
When you are going through betrayal, you are busy trying to cope and get through today. It’s unlikely that you are considering your nervous system when you hide your pain; however, the long-term effects can be profound.
At first, we hide our pain without thinking; it is just instinct to get by in the moment; but the longer we stay in this space, we may begin to (unconsciously or consciously) hide everything, it is what becomes familiar. When so much in our life feels chaotic and unpredictable, familiar often equals “safe’ in our subconscious, and we crave any feelings of safety. You may think (like I did) that by not talking to anyone, you are protecting your spouse, or even yourself, family, and friends, from possible pain. However; hiding our pain can actually lead to worrying more about what other people think, and this increases our fears, self-doubt and anxiety. As we feel overwhelmed and consumed by our circumstances, tensions and anxiety increase, and when we feel like we are losing control of our lives, or the narrative, the “picture” we would like the world to see, keeping things to ourselves often comes easier than anything esle.
There are dangers in isolating that are worth considering. Isolating can shift our focus more and more onto our pain, hurts, past wounds, irritations, and insecurities. When you are hurting, you have a legitimate need for care and understanding; but when you cope on your own, there is no one to encourage you, help shift your perspective or soften the pain. For most of us when we are hurting, our tendency is to believe that by “doing it on our own” we are being strong; that it means trusting no one, denying or squashing our feelings, and keeping it all to ourselves. This leads to our needs piling up, and our emotions building up. When no one is walking with us through the pain, our focus and awareness of our wounds and discomfort heightens, as does our social anxiety, and distrust of people. Then we then develop an “edge” in our fear and distrust…and tend to isolate even more. All this can increase our discomfort and prolong, and/or delay our healing.
Another danger of hiding our pain and isolating, is that we are more likely to turn our experience into our identity; this is how we get caught in victimhood. This can be hard to notice and easy to defend, because our circumstances, the unfairness, the lack of being valued and our wounds are all real. In our attempt to validate ourselves, we often get trapped in the unfairness of our pain, and the loneliness of our struggles, we don’t see any other perspective-we can become self-absorbed and problem-focused. We may even come to believe that we deserve it, or that people are against us, that they don’t understand what we’ve been through. Chances are, whatever past lies and wounds you have will start to feel more real and present than ever. This certainly adds to your pain and the struggle to heal! But it can lead to a more complete healing too, of not only your present pain, but the past too-so don’t despair.
Let’s now discuss how our nervous systems react, and are impacted. Our nervous systems are amazing, so sensitive, so quick to relay messages and react. When we experience betrayal, it feels like unknown and unpredictable dangers are legitimately everywhere. Because our brains are wired to watch for danger, this chaotic state makes our nervous system stay edgy and sensitive. The line between reality and our suspicions and fears gets blurry, and our nervous system goes into a hyper functioning state, where we get easily triggered. In this state, if we don’t get support to help us process all the lies we are sorting through, we stay agitated, anxious, and on alert. This is exhausting, and hard on our health. It’s not just our brain trying to cope and protect us, but our nervous system causes our whole body to feel “on guard”. Can you see how this makes it easy to get stuck in patterns of reacting to our fears? All the triggers make sense. This “protecting ourselves” becomes our full-time job; it is our reality. It feels like we can’t do anything but this. When we hide and stuff our pain long term, it binds us to our pain and fears; and this makes it harder and slower to heal. In a way, it fuses all that we want to move past to our soul and nervous system; we the feel like danger and harm is inevitable. But there are steps you can start taking to make change, we can heal our nervous systems and reprogram our thoughts.
Dealing with our heightened emotions after betrayals can be uncomfortable, embarrassing, and even shameful. Most of us were taught by our parents, or through peer pressure and society in general, that being strong means dealing with stuff on our own. If we “get knocked down” …we are supposed to jump right back up… say”I’m okay”, and “get right back on that horse”. But the reality is that sometimes the psychological and physical impacts are too severe… we need time to heal. When we are struggling with thoughts like “this shouldn’t be so hard” or “I should be handling this better,” we push ourselves to hide, deny, avoid, and stuff our feelings. This can lead to unexpected explosions and breakdowns for the strongest of people! I want to remind you once again, betrayals are one of the hardest things you can go through! You need space to: understand, feel, process, grieve, and heal. “Being tough” when it comes to betrayal will just make you hard or bitter…at best…and it will lead to your grief and anger following you through your whole life- you don’t want that!
You do need to understand what is happening, and to process, feel, grieve…and be heard. I want you to experience having your pain validated; it helps more than you might think; it will lift a weight off of you. When you experience the “permission” and safety to authentically process your experience, it is so healing and healthy. You need a safe place to connect with people who understand. Reading this is a start, but when you are face-to-face with people, hearing their stories and see and feel as they empathize with your pain, the relief and feeling of connection is tangible! Even now, as I write this, it gives me chills to remember what this feels like. I have been amazed and humbled to witness this many times; it is why I do this work: It breaks the bondage of the lie that you need to hide your pain. You don’t have to go through this alone!
When you find a safe, validating space to process your pain, healing begins. Hiding and internalizing your feelings increases your anxieties, insecurities, fears, identity struggles, wrong or dark thinking, health issues, unhappiness, and stress! As you start taking steps towards authentically addressing your hurts, thoughts, and feelings, every bit of movement you make will expand your courage and motivation. You know how losing a few pounds is the best motivation to lose more weight? Well, this works much the same way. You gain a new perspective and clarity with each step, which increases your motivation courage. I’m not saying it is easy by any means; every step may be hard, but steps turn into “phases”, and before long, you will start seeing progress behind you that is really encouraging - and that is powerful! You need that “up-lifting boost”.
There are safe people to talk to. It may not (likely isn’t) your friends or family-that’s okay.
You can take this slow, you don’t have to fully open up or say any more than you are ready to.
You can break free of the bodange of fear and isolation, it is so lonely.
Your pain will not last forever, and you can heal. Many have gone before you and understand what you need.
There are people who will understand! It feels like it is too dark, too shameful…but you aren’t alone.
I encourage you to take some time right now to journal about what spoke to you here. I hope you let yourself FEEL the validation that I offered as you relate and felt seen! It is genuine, heartfelt! I write this not because I was taught it in some textbook, but because I’ve been there. I know how tough it is to know who to talk to or how to find the words to express what you are going through. You don’t have to say much at first, just let someone who loves you know that you are hurting-that is a start! Let yourself absorb their love and care. You don’t have to share more than you are ready to; wait until it feels safe…you can take it slow.
Please send me a note today if you have no one to reach out to. I will pray for you and respond - sincerely. You were never meant to carry this alone. You can get through this…you will get past this.
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