Should You Leave After a Betrayal - You don’t have to decide right now…Take it slow
Should I leave? This is a tough question, and an important one that you need to think about after sexual betrayal. Aspects of this blog may surprise you. To start out, here are 4 things I want you to consider:
If you are in danger…you must go. There is no question, you need physical safety. Danger comes in many forms, and no one understands what a person is like at home like a spouse does; don’t deny or minimize what you know in your gut is a threat. By staying in this situation longer, you will also strengthen your tendency toward denial and lack of self-respect. Now that you know lies and deception have been “added to your pile of risks and disrespect”, it makes sense that you take this opportunity to clear out. Sometimes, having a clear offense like this can be a blessing, as it gives you the answer you have been seeking; if this resonates, don’t ignore that.
I’m saying this rather boldly, and I know some of you won’t like it. Before the affair, if you have already been fighting, miserable, unhappy, or extremely fixated on jealousy and fear in your relationship, it will be very difficult to heal while you are together. Now that your suspicions are confirmed, if the fighting has continued, you aren’t going to suddenly find the peace you need to heal. To heal and assess your needs, you need energy and “safe, mental space” in order to relax your nervous system enough that you can think and process what has happened. Otherwise, your energy goes into fighting, trying to understand, and to be understood, or into blame and fear, etc. Being in this sort of environment depletes you and clouds your thinking; you get caught up in navigating the other person to the point of neglecting yourself. After betrayals, you have so much to process, and everything that was hard before becomes harder. I’m not advising you to get divorced; I’m saying that when you are daily in close proximity to the person who betrayed you, if you can’t find peace and clarity because of non-stop fighting and problems, it will be necessary, at some point, to find a way to get some time to yourself. You need calm space to gain some perspective and figure out what you're feeling and what your needs are… ideally with professional help and support.
You can separate without choosing divorce. It is common to have “black and white” or “all or none” thinking after betrayal, so I want to remind you of this. It is okay to leave, not knowing what you want, or even being sure you want to stay married, but needing some time apart. When I first separated from my husband, I hoped we could work things out, and it was a comfort to him to hear this. So, if that is your hope, it is okay, even good, to voice that; it can make things feel gentler on yourself, your spouse, and your kids. You can look at it as a therapeutic time to improve your marriage, even. But you don’t know for sure yet; what you do need is time to heal and gain a healthier perspective so that you can feel peace about this important life decision. It is okay… healthy… to take some time apart to think, gain clarity & find perspective. During this time of greater calm in your environment, you can work on understanding what you are going through, how it has impacted your nervous system, and, hopefully, seek support and professional counseling. It is so beneficial to have a professional walk you through this process.
Does he want to change? Is he repentant? Is he willing to seek help and healing himself? This is a must - if you want to make it work. Yes, sometimes people stay together without counseling and support after betrayals, but I think in most cases these are where either healthy communication, full disclosure, repentance, forgiveness, change and understanding quickly happens, OR it stays an unhealthy relationship full of denial and avoidance - and that kind of relationship will kill your soul and rob you of life. YOU as the partner that was cheated on, needs to be able to feel good about yourself again. To maintain your self respect in this relationship, you have to see what is crushing your spirit and keeping you down, and you have to be able to stand up for your own needs in the relationship with a healthy response/result.
You may get well-meaning advice from family or friends who say things like: “Once a cheater, always a cheater,” or “He showed you who he is, believe him.” Those quotes are out there for a reason! There is a high probability that whatever brokenness in your spouse that led them to the lying and betrayal is not going to be fixed quickly or easily, and that is very much worth considering. You are the one who has to decide what you are able and willing to endure and work through; you do have a choice here. While you likely know your spouse better than anyone, this affair, or all the shock of lies and addiction details that are unraveling, has you doubting everything, including yourself. It is truly hard to know what to think at first; did you truly know them? Can you trust your intuition? It takes a while to sort through things and get the answers and healing you need to feel confident again. No matter your doubts and questions, no matter the details, it is normal and wise to take some time on this decision. You have invested a lot of love, time, money, and energy into this relationship, and your life memories are precious to you. This is all valuable; even though you may feel like your partner just threw all that away, it is important for you to take some time to work through it. If you take it slow, explore healing, take a hard look at your spouse's desire to change and heal, and learn more about yourself, you will feel better about whatever decision you make later. You will then know you made it from a healthy place, and not out of desperation or pain.
An important note: You cannot make this decision to make someone else happy, or because you will be embarrassed or ashamed because of what certain family members, your friends, or your church may think or say. You are the one who has to live out this decision.
Another reason why you need to take as much time as you need for this decision is that clarity is hard to find after betrayal. Everything can feel confusing - like your life has been smashed and turned upside down. Your mind and nervous system are overloaded and overwhelmed. It takes a while to sort through all the rubble and decide what is left to hold onto. I want to tell you this right at the start… this isn’t said enough… Youdon’thavetorushthisdecision! Whether you separate for a while or stay with them while you process… either way… take the time you need to heal sufficiently, surrounded by safe, healthy support, so that you are in a stronger, more peaceful place when you decide. Of course, you may need to make some decisions quickly to protect yourself or maintain your sanity, and if so, please do, but most of the time, the biggest decisions can wait until you’ve had more time to process and heal. You want to know you made the right choice, no need for regrets here.
I mentioned that you need more clarity and peace. You have likely experienced how your thinking can be “murky” or foggy. There is another thing I want to mention that could confuse your decision. You are grieving. Betrayals come with a lot of loss, and that takes a while to recognize and process.
It is important to recognize that you need to grieve, it is a necessary part of your healing after betrayal.
Many of you may feel like what you had has died, perhaps even that a part of you has died. THAT…is a separation already in itself… one that you didn’t choose; it just happens. When you recognize that this kind of loss, grief, and separation is already happening, it can help you have grace towards yourself. But it can also make you feel like the decision to leave has already been made for you, as if you were already divorced in your heart and mind, or because you feel so rejected, that love has for sure ended. Or you may be full of anger, and thoughts of divorce and separation feel like a necessity. It is such a deep wound, and so unfair, that it is normal to feel like it is already over and that there is nothing to save. But sometimes, after you do some healing, you may find new perspective and develop different beliefs and feelings on some of these very same issues.
But please allow yourself some time to heal and think. Acknowledging that you are legitimately experiencing loss can reduce some of your fear and may take some pressure off you. When you admit to yourself that you are already in a place of disconnection, emotional distance, pain, loss and trauma, it can be a big part of what allows you to understand what is happening within you, and why it hurts so much. As you let yourself grieve your losses, you start to focus on what is going on inside you, vs. outside circumstances that you can’t control. Looking at the steps of healthy grieving can bring clarity to your needs, and even help with setting boundaries. It helps you face things. Grieving is hard, but it also brings clarity, and is an important part of your healing process.
Your decision is not going to fix everything, neither is it going break what is left. Your security, peace, and comfort have already been messed up; accepting that this is the reality of where you are at, this “phase” you are in can relieve you of the belief that your decision may make or break things. It is possible (and common with sex addicts) that your spouse may try to make you feel responsible for the stress and unhappiness you are in, or cause fear that if you leave or take a stand it will break up your happy home, but that is them projecting their fear and trying to pressure and control you. They caused harm, and if you leave, it is a consequence of their actions; don’t take that responsibility onto yourself. You have a lot to focus on with your own healing right now; try not to let their fear and dysfunctional thinking occupy your mind, rule your choices and make this time harder for you.
*Something to consider: It is important for you to recognize how you are feeling right now. If you divorce quickly right now while you are full of anger, foggy, overwhelmed, anxious, and/or rather unstable emotionally, it will likely feel like a blur later, and you may question your decision. I mention this because I think many women feel pressured to rush this while in the middle of their trauma and pain, because they don’t know what else to do, that “black and white thinking” kicks in and makes it hard to think of different options. If you can get the space you need right now to heal more and make your decisions later from a more peaceful, clear place, it may help you feel better about making the same hard decision later.
*Another HUGE thing that is not said enough, in any community, Christian or otherwise, is that you can separate for a season without divorce and it is okay! It can be a healthy step to save your marriage. I’m talking about a therapeutic separation, where continued communication and healing is taking place. This is about the rest of your life…you can do what helps you get to where you want to be.
This article may be taking you in a direction you aren’t expecting. Instead of weighing pros & cons, or reminding you of your fears & risks, I’m asking you to consider some things in yourself, and be aware of what is happening in you - before you get to the point of making decisions. I believe in marriage and think it is worth fighting for, but I don’t think many marriages are the glorious, idealized, best-friend fun adventure that we sometimes expect or envision. Marriage is about building, healing, growing, and learning together through many hard things; it is about supporting each other through life. When sexual betrayals take place, they are really hard to move past, not only do we have to figure out all the lies and what to do with them, but we feel like we lose our partner, our friend, our ideals, our dreams, and our memories. This is so heavy, and a lot to heal from. Not only do we carry so much trauma and pain, but our partner is likely carrying a lot of shame, they have their own work they need to do. Working at restoration and rebuilding trust, affection, and joy again is certainly not the easiest option.
Even though I know some Christians will disagree with me here, I think this is important for you to hear right now. I believe the Bible gives us permission to leave when the partner has been unfaithful. God allows divorce in the case of infidelity (Matthew 19:3-9). But what about porn, lusting, and fetishes? The Bible also says in Matthew 5:27-28:
“You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.”
I think God clearly shows us understanding and compassion on this topic, not only through the scriptures that specifically mention divorce, but also through his heart towards us in so many parts of the Bible. He shows such compassion for our pain, and He cares about walking with us through our struggles, He understands our sorrows. I think He gave us “permission” to leave unfaithful marriages because He knows how hard it is to heal and move past it. He is for marriage; he designed it! But he created marriage for us, not us for the institutions of marriage! He doesn’t just want us to suffer in it! That is not his heart; this is plain to see in many parts of the Bible. I’m not saying that nothing should be hard in our life, and never have struggles, but marriage is supposed to be a blessing and a support system, a partnership, safe and dependable. We are meant to have intimacy, connection, relationship, the kind of love that reflects what God wants with us. I believe God wants us to have safe, secure, loving marriages; He wants men to model him.
Jesus taught that sin begins internally-that it is already unfaithfulness at the stage of lust. I have seen many women go through a betrayals that were “only porn” or “Only emotional”, and I can tell you very clearly, their pain and the healing they needed were very much the same. It is betrayal, it is lust, and all those paths of sinful temptation that are full of lies - it hurts very much and even create real trauma. There are many other stories in the Bible that God uses to demonstrate the kinds of temptations, betrayals, and difficult situations people can face. God understands this struggle you are going through, it is not what he wants for you. This was not his plan for marriage.
As someone who has stayed and worked through very hard things in my marriage with my husband’s porn addiction, with many years of lies, staggered disclosures, lots of fighting, and many mistakes that delayed our healing and prolonged our pain, I can tell you this for sure: while there is much value in working through things and growing together after betrayal long term, it can be a difficult and long journey, and not always possible or wise. I don’t quickly recommend that everyone should try to save their marriage. Every circumstance is different. Who you each are, what you have already endured in your life and relationships, your beliefs about many things, including what needs to change, and how committed you each are to your personal self-growth should all be taken into account.
Understanding and processing more, finding support as you heal, and gaining greater clarity are all vital for feeling good about your decision to stay or go. What you are going through is too important to rush through in an attempt to feel better faster; you don’t want to make big mistakes you regret later, or repeat the same ones over again. It is important to slow down and develop skills that will deepen understanding of your needs, so you can set healthy boundaries and make better choices. The steps you take toward healing now will continue to benefit every relationship you are in for the rest of your life. Take comfort in knowing that, even in the midst of these tragic circumstances, you can keep growing wiser, stronger, more confident, and more full of faith. You can become more sure of who you are, how you want to live, and what you believe through this hard process.
For right now … slow down… get some space if you need it… let yourself grieve and heal. Big decisions can wait until later.
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